Feeling kind of bad...

I've been feeling lower and lower the last couple of weeks. I thought it was all the changes. You know, Momma's divorce (yes, it's official), G-daddy's girlfriend, his and Uncle Dwayne's trip to the Phillipines, the frustrations of a child who doesn't want to listen, of having another child in the throes of the terrible twos, the overwhelming task of cleaning...

And partly, it IS that. The rest of it didn't become clear to me until today. It was around this time last year that Mema was first admitted to the ICU. I don't remember the specific date, but it was towards the middle of May. She was in ICU for six weeks or so. It's almost time for the one-year mark. I don't want time to go...I don't want to face it. But on the other hand, I wish it would hurry up and pass. At least then, the 'year of firsts' would be over.

I never realized it would still hurt like it just happened yesterday. I want to talk about her, but I don't. I just don't know what to do. And for the first time in my life, I realize that it's okay. I don't always have to know what I shoul do. Life is a mystery. As much as I don't want to, I know I'll get through this. I'm not sure it'll ever get easier though. Even when life is diffisult, it's worth it. Mema taught me that. She knew her chances weren't that good, but she never stopped fighting...until the end, when she had nothing left. I will probably never respect anyone more than I do Mema. NO ONE can ever measure up to her. I hope I'm just like her when I'm older.