Saturday, October 15, 2005
I'm disgusted with myself.
Alan's out at a dart tournament. I'm not really upset about that. What I'm upset about is that Alan isn't HERE. With me. I'm feeling so clingy, and I hate it. Strangely enough, yesterday I really missed him. He was at work, and then he went out to practice. (I don't really do well enough at darts for him to practice against.) It's not like I hadn't seen him is a LONG time. It's so weird. I just miss him when he's not here and I wish he was. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Normally I'd be happy that I'd get alone time (with both kids either napping or watching TV) or I'd get mad that he gets to go have fun while I'm stuck here...again. Maybe I'm kind of depressed with everything that's happened in the last six months. Maybe I want Alan around so I don't have to think of it. I don't know. About the only thing I do know is that a psychologist would have lots of fun with me.
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Amber,
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head; you are a bit depressed, and having Alan there does keep you distracted. Don't be disgusted with yourself; it will get better. You have to give yourself time.
I love you.
Lourese
Hi Amber, I was sorry to read that you are feeling unsure about things but not at all surprised, you've had a lot happen to you this year.
ReplyDeleteI hope you didn't really feel disgusted with yourself because I think that's a bit harsh.You might have a bit of depression, you might be hormonal or you might be in your 20's with a hell of a lot on your plate. It could be all three :-) I think you might have read what I wrote to Moon Spinner about my thoughts on being in your twenties. I think it's one of the most tumultuous times of our lives. Everyone warns you about rebellious, moody teenagers, the terrible two's and ferocious fours etc but not about the confusion and new experiences that come in your 20's.
I think you do pretty well for a woman who has had all of these big experiences happen to her in such a short space of time.
I don't think that anyone grieving can understand why they want someone close then don't want them too close. Or why they want someone to leave them alone but are sad when that person does leave them alone. It's a hard time all round and I'm not sure that we are meant to understand it when it happens, just go with it and feel whatever it is that we're feeling at that time. As long as you recognise when you've felt down for too long. I think you have a right to feel depressed, confused and questioning right now.
I hope I haven't said too much and sounded naggy/preachy. Sometimes I put too much of my personal experiences into my comments and I know that you aren't asking for me (or anyone else) to solve your problems or offer 'assvice'.
Take care Amber, I think you do well to get up each morning, run your home, look after your family, grieve the loss of your Mema and your brother (who was so young) and still keep on being you.
Keep well and mind how you go.
Amber,
ReplyDeleteBrilly said everything so perfectly. I wish I could have found the right words to express all that she did. Just remember, we're here for you, just to listen, or whatever you need.
Lourese
Lourese, I'm getting better. Check your email (if you haven't already). Love you!
ReplyDeleteBrilly, I love your comments. You're so sweet and you KNOW what you're talking about. I appreciate the time it takes you to write them down for me, and for sharing you're wisdom. And I AM feeling better. I've done some things to feel better about myself, and to make peace. Thanks. Love you!
Thanks for your kind words Amber and Lourese,
ReplyDeleteI wonder sometimes about comments, should I say what I feel or should I just shut up. I think I say too much sometimes and like I'm coming across as someone who thinks they know it all. I never mean to sound like that but it's hard when you are writing instead of talking. I also don't want to minimalize what you are saying by being all 'been there, done that' but when I read your blog (or posts on the boards) I get taken back to the times that I've felt like you do.
What I would like you to know is that I do have an understanding of what you are going through. Don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself the space that you would give your best friend if all these things were happening in her life.
Now I feel like I've said too much again. If I ever overstep the mark or give unwanted comments just tell me to pull my head in. I won't be offended :-)
Take care Amber.
Brilly, I told you! I love your comments. You come across sounding like you really care, you've been through it, and you got past it. Which to me means that you really care, you've been through it, and I WILL get past it. Don't you dare stop! Did I address the concerns?
ReplyDelete