What's wrong with me?

Good news first. I bought a new pair of jean. Problem? They're size 6 and still a bit loose. And I bought them while I was bloated. They may not fit well after all.

Now for the confusing part. Lately, EVERYTHING makes me either want to scream in rage or cry. No matter what it is. I know part of it is the first Christmas and all, but still. I hoped I'd feel better than I am. I'm starting to worry about me. For the last three days, all I have eaten is dinner. (I ate breakfast on Monday.) I'm just not hungry. The reason I eat dinner is because I suddenly remember that I haven't eaten anything since the night before. When I DO eat, I start to feel sick. I know I'm depressed, but still. I know I have a right to be depressed with everything that's happened the last six months or so. I just want to deal with it without relying on medication. The problem with that is I don't know how. All I'm doing is getting ill at everyone else and in turn getting them ill at me. It's very counter-productive.

I feel guilty about acting so horribly, and that just makes me act worse. I can't find the logic in that.

I want to take time for myself. I feel like I need to. But there's so much to do around the house. There's so much to do for Alan, A.J. and Arielle. There's so much I need to do (not that it's getting done). I feel guilty for wanting time for me when I should be busy doing other stuff.

I'm just not happy right now. I feel like I don't even know who I am. I haven't felt this out of place since I was about 14. I feel like I haven't known who I am for a LONG time. I want to be a happy, caring, generous, and proud of myself person. I don't know how to get back to that. I have taken steps. I made amends with a few people. But it seems like for every step forward I take, I take two back.

Every time I get excited about something, as it gets closer, the excitement wanes. I try to get excited again. It's like there's a part of me that's afraid that whatever it is will fall through. Or that'll it'll happen in a different way than I want. A worse way.

Oh well. Maybe it'll get better. I really hope so. I hate feeling like this. I wouldn't even wish it on my greatest enemy.