by reality sometimes. I can go through my day happy as a clam (slight exaggeration), and today I even laughed. I looked at my site's (http://geocities.com/ams71080/) guestbook and noticed I had a new/old entry. New because I hadn't seen it, but old from when it was put up. Anyway, I answered since it had an address. After doing that, I read through my comments. (And I laughed at one where someone didn't leave a name and basically bashed me.) Then I saw where my Mema had signed, not once, but twice. I know she printed out every story I wrote so she could read them whenever she had time. I can't help but wonder...Will anyone in my family read my stories now? I know my grandaddy isn't into my stories, and my mom's not into reading anything other than horses or Wicca (so I bet she'd like Lindsay's stories). She was my biggest supporter. The only person in my family (including in-laws) who understood that I wrote them for fun, not 'practice on my way to becoming a REAL writer'. A REAL writer IMO is someone who writes, for whatever reason. Not all WRITERS are published.
Anyway, I briefly thought about getting rid of Mema's notes to minimize the pain of seeing them and realizing I can't see her. Then I shook myself. That should be a good memory, not a painful one. She wasn't into reading anything that didn't have to do with sewing or crafts, so the fact that she read my stories, and commented on my guestbook should be treasured, not tortuous.
Now, if only I could think of everything that way. Will there ever be a time that I don't tear up or get physical pains when I think of her?
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Amber,
ReplyDeleteWhen I had read your guestbook and saw your Mema's comments, I could feel the love and pride she had for you, and this was back when I first started reading it. You must keep her comments. She took the time to post her support for you because of her love for you, and though you feel pain because you can't see her now, there will come a time when you will treasure things like this. Every time I open a book, where it says my mother gave it to me I feel happy, that I still have this evidence of her love. Many times, and things, will bring forth a memory, and although it still brings tears to my eyes, wishing she were here, It makes me happy that I do have this memory. I have special memories of my mother, that my father and siblings do not have, and they wish they did. I would rather have these memories, than to be like others in my family and not have them.
And, yes, you are a writer. Once the words have been written, they have taken form, and that form is from your ideas and creativity. And that makes them important. It would be nice if other family members read your works, but you don't need them to validate what you do. YOU MUST REMEMBER, there are total strangers, who have become friends, partly because they have read what you have written, and truly enjoyed it.
Will you ever stop missing Mema? Probably not. Will her not being here get easier? Yes, with time. But, don't let your pain keep you from those happy memories. Don't deny Mema's existence by trying not to remember her. Death is always hardest on those of us left here, because we are without their presence. But her presence in your life helped make you who you are.
I'm sorry for rambling. I know mere words won't make anything better. But you wouldn't feel this pain if you hadn't loved her, and you loved her because she loved you. I love you, and I'm here is you need me, or need to talk.
Lourese