If you don't wanna read about 'poor pitiful me' don't read this. It also might be disturbing.

Feelings

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I wasn’t here. It’s not like anyone would really care. Alan would have all the freedom he wanted, I’m sure A.J. is young enough to wrap anyone around his finger to let him do whatever he wanted. Arielle is so young she wouldn’t remember me.

There’s only one problem with that. I couldn’t ever leave my kids. Yes, they drive me insane. Yes, sometimes I could (figuratively) strangle them. But I also love them more than anything else.

There’s nothing I could do to get me out of this situation. Even though I know Alan’s not in love with me anymore, divorce is out of the question. He’d fight for custody, and because he has a place to live, a job, and money, there’d be no contest. Besides, no child should really have to go through a custody battle. Anyway, I’m sure he’d make sure I’d never see them again out of revenge for embarrassing him in that way.

I guess the only way out would be death. Sounds like I’m in a gang, only I’m not. Maybe if I’m lucky, next time I get sick, it’ll be fatal. At least then it wouldn’t be leaving my children by choice. Or maybe next time I go to the store, someone will ignore a red light and hit me head on, and it’ll happen that way.

The thing I don’t understand is Alan. He’s always telling everyone he’s ALL about family. Isn’t his wife part of his family? He always says if a family member needs ANYTHING, he’s right there if humanly possible. Either I’m not family, or it’s not humanly possible to leave (or not go in the first place) a bar if your wife’s sick.

This is how I came to the conclusion that he’s not in love with me anymore. Maybe he doesn’t even love me at all. Why does it seem like I’m going to spend the rest of my married life stuck trying to make my husband care for me when he clearly doesn’t?

To give him credit, he did come home earlier than planned yesterday. He left work at 5:30 PM. He wanted overtime. And I was happy that he was leaving that early! I was so happy that I popped two pizzas into the oven so he would only have to get them out if he cam home in time. And no, I’m not feeling QUITE as bad as yesterday. I don’t have a headache of migraine proportions. Not to say my head doesn’t hurt at all, but tonight, I can have the light on without feeling like the pounding in my head will kill me.

Don’t worry. I WON’T commit suicide. Not that I haven’t tried in the past, but because I’ve already swore that I’ll never leave my kids forever by choice.

Sorry if this upset anyone, but it's how I'm feeling right now, and there WAS a warning.