My SIL actually got her pshchologist to call me this morning. Hey, I got a free phone session! Wow! He told me that as upset as she was about me that it was in her best interests that he talk to me a bit. I've NEVER heard of any psychologist doing that, but okay...
Anyway, we did the normal session thing. He asked questions, I answered them. He said because I have depressive tendancies, as well as manic tendancies, my feelings aren't as bad as they seem. Those mental 'ailments' along with being physically sick, can make things seem worse than they are. I must agree. Reading over what I wrote last night...WOW! After telling him about that, he strongly suggested that I see my doctor and get retested for manic-depression again. He seems to think I may have crossed the line into it...full-blown. PLEASE NO!
He also cautioned me about talking to Lori about these things when she feels very similar. Lori's and my emotions have almost always fedd of each other. If we feel the same way, it gets magnified when we're together, or even over the phone. (That may or may not be uncommon...I've never really heard of it to that extent, but it seems to be proved possible with me and Lori. We seem to be linked somehow.)
So, his advice? Have a heart-to-heart talk with Alan when there are NO distractions. Then get to a doctor, preferably for a referral to a colleague of good old psycho-doc's. This way, I can really work through to get to the bottom of what's really bothering me. He said he felt that there was a whole lot more bothering me than just Alan. Maybe I don't realize it, maybe it's subconscious, maybe I'm blocking it, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and the death-wishes? My suicidal impulses coming back again. But since I do have two kids that mean everything to me, he's not too worried I'll act on that.
A lot of things he said makes sense. I may just have to try his way.
Oh, and to my lovely commentors and emailers, thanks for the support. I guess sometimes I don't clarify well since I know what I mean. I will stand by the statement that divorce is NOT an option. Not for me anyway.
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I feel better that you talked to someone and that you are going to pursue the matter.
ReplyDeleteI still want to talk to you personally.
Teresa
Hi Amber, finding out who you are is a long and painful process. Living what you believe can take even longer and be even more painful.
ReplyDeleteI was saddened to read your previous post. Mostly because there have been many, many dark times for me too. I no longer believe people who tell me they never get depressed.
I don't know your family life and I can't tell you what Alan thinks or feels. But I can say that if you weren't here then this world would be different. Not just for A.J and Arielle but also for the people who laugh with you on the boards and the people who read your blog.
Being in your 20's is hard , you meet new people, get exposed to new ideas and you are often second guessing yourself. What is the best thing to do? Who knows?
Maybe you should embrace feeling down. I mean don't fight against it, admit it, say how you feel to your husband and kids. Tell them, even little kids understand that you feel sad. You don't have to tell them everything, just what you want them to know. Explaining how you feel is one of the best things you can do for your kids. They're smarter than you think and they will put their own spin on what they see and hear if you don't talk with them.
Keep well Amber. Look after yourself. If you feel sad, then be sad. It's something we all have to do at some stage.
Keep as well as you can.
*Big Hugs* You know how to get in touch with me if you ever need a shoulder, a friend, or if you need someone to listen to you vent.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that Lori's doc called to talk to you. And I agree with brillywazz, it might help to embrace your feelings, even if it is just to let Alan and the kids know that you're sad.
Lindsay